A few weeks ago I remember talking with my best friend, Rachel and voicing how I just wasn’t feeling anything. I didn’t know how I felt; I wasn’t going through any big “thing” and I was just kind of going through the motions. Life was just going on around me and I was just a participant. I knew I wasn’t okay, but I couldn’t place my finger on what was specifically going on. I also didn’t want to sit and reflect because I was afraid of what I’d find. I found it. I was depending on myself to do it all and be the best I could be without realizing how weak I was. Even when I realized I was weak and burdened by a lot of different things, I didn’t want to admit it to anyone much less myself. So I ignored the unsettling feelings I couldn’t place and didn’t try to place them at all.
My teammate is in grad school for counseling and had to set up a mock counseling session to record for her class and I was her patient. I think that was the beginning to me realizing what was going on in my heart. I took time to process it with her and with God, and then started to let God tear down that wall I had built of “I have it all together, I’m doing great”.
I don’t want people to know that I am struggling because I want to be reliable; I want to be seen as someone to look up to. Then God was like, “the women you meet with will relate to you and see Jesus through your pain and suffering more than they will if you don’t let them in.” Oops. Being vulnerable also helps others open up. When someone realizes you are dealing with similar issues, they are more likely to share, which leads to growth and encouragement that we are not alone in this walk.
Last Wednesday night I was just having a rough day still processing through why I feel like I need to perform and be put together all the time. Kim and Barry Logsdon came and spoke on prayer, which was awesome to just feel God’s presence in the room, and God was tugging on my heart to go pray with them during worship. I walked over and the one word that came out was overwhelmed before I burst into tears.Disclaimer: Being that I struggle with being vulnerable, crying is the worst (but best) thing that could have happened. I just broke down as they prayed over me and spoke truth to me. I don’t have to perform for Jesus, he takes our burdens upon him, and He is with us always. He loves me 100% right now. There is nothing I can do to make him love me less, or more. I let him have my pain and the burdens I was carrying, and am feeling lighter in spirit than in the confusing time of not understanding my heart. It’s a daily struggle, but He is with us.
One quick analogy that came to my heart today during staff prayer: Picture you running a long distance race in the Olympics, and there is a person who is favored to win. You fall and hurt your knee and think it’s all over. You’re on the ground and see the feet of that favored person standing in front of you. They bend down to pick you up and end up carrying you the entire way to the finish and you both finish together. Jesus is that runner. He carries us through life and once we let him pick us up and carry our burdens, we are free to run this race with Him right there with us.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”