Pornography, God, and me/Lauren/CNU

We have a huge God, and when we are going through the motions of life, it can be so easy to forget that. I so easily attain this mindset that underestimates the absolute power that the Lord has, as well as forgets about the sovereignty He has over all of the situations I find myself in. However, over the course of the last few months God has allowed me to experience several different things to serve as reminders of who He is, how I ought to think of Him, and why He deserves to have number one priority in my heart as well as in my life.

Pornography is something that I have struggled with for the past three years of my life. It is still so hard to admit that even now, but the Lord has been teaching me so much recently about amazing things that can come out of being obedient to Him, and in this moment I really feel like this is what He wants me to share today.

My struggle with porn began with simple curiosity that soon turned into something that I suddenly could no longer handle or hide. Pornography is a sin that is so easy to keep a secret. It is also easy to slip into a mindset that says “I can stop whenever I want to,” or “I can handle this on my own.” Both of those beliefs that I had proved to be so wrong and I continued slipping deeper and deeper into sin. Guilt and shame were emotions that I felt constantly because I believed that I was alone in my struggle. As a whole, whenever pornography is talked about in a church setting it is almost always directed towards the guys. I had never heard of girls being addicted to porn and as a result of this I truly believed that I was abnormal or that something was seriously wrong with me. As a result of those feelings, it took almost two years before I finally came clean to someone about what was really going on in my life.  Not only did I feel alone, I also felt as though I was a failure of a Christian and that the Lord had surely given up on me. I couldn’t see how anything good could possibly come out of my seriously messed up life, and I believed that I could never amount to anything in the eyes of God. God, however, felt differently. The Lord provided me with a handful of people over the years who had struggled with the same thing and who were able to disciple me and hold me accountable in my struggle. He never once left me on my own or gave up on me.

This summer I’ve had the amazing opportunity to work at a Christian summer camp in Northern Virginia. This camp encourages it’s counselors to be real with their campers and to share their testimonies with them in order to let the campers know what the Lord has been doing in their lives. Last week, the second week of camp, I got placed with a Co-Ed group of middle schoolers, and I basically decided on day one that I wasn’t going to share my entire testimony with any of the kids. I didn’t want them to know about the specific sin that I had struggled with, so I decided to be pretty vague with them regarding specific details to my testimony. Don’t ask me why I believed that God would let this fly, just know that I thought it would work. Anyways, Thursday night rolls around, and on this night a gospel message is shared during worship and campers are able to receive prayer from staff members at the camp. After worship and having some s’mores with my unit, I decided to  have a girls devotion with all of the girls in my group. As I am in the middle of sharing a devotion on being “be-you-tiful,” to the girls,  I feel the Lord prompting me to share my testimony. At first I tried to ignore God, but after a moment I realized that if the Lord was really laying this on my heart and not letting up, it must be for a reason… so I shared everything with them. The majority of the reactions from my campers were appreciation for my willingness to share with them, however, one of my campers sat in her bed sobbing. I soon came to realize that she had been struggling with pornography and that just as I had been feeling alone and ashamed, she too was experiencing guilt and self-hatred. Her tears, however, were not of embarrassment or even shame, they were of joy. That night after worship, she had prayed to the Lord that He would send her a sign that He was there, that He was real, and that He loved her. Her tears were of joy because the Lord had answered her prayer, and He had done it through my testimony. That night I was able to pray with that camper as she accepted Jesus into her heart for the first time.

God is a m a z i n g. Who else could turn brokenness into beauty, shame into joy, or sin into salvation? That night God reminded me that He has everything in His hands and that He can use any person or situation to bring His children back to Him. Never again will I allow myself to believe that I am too broken to be used to bring glory to the name of Jesus. Never again will I forget about the power that God has or His sovereignty over all situations.

I challenge you to never forget as well.

 

 

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My name is Lauren Radcliff, and I’m a sophomore at CNU. I plan on majoring in Sociology as well as minoring in both Leadership and Communication Studies. I am involved with Cru on campus as well as Extreme Measures, which is a mixed acapella group. So basically, I love to sing and in my free time you could find me making cheese quesadillas or binge watching the Office.